Taking stock

I have been better. But get this: I'm not only better this week than last week, but I think in some ways, I'm stronger and better than I ever have been. I'm very very sad about J. But I'm single for the first time in my adult life (that's twelve years), and it feels very clean.

When I was in relationships, no matter how good they were--and my relationship with J. was wonderful, collaborative, loving, expansive, magical--I felt as though I needed to be single somehow. I was never able to communicate why to anyone, but I think I've worked it out. I started this long relationship trek without knowing fully who I was and what I want and need from a relationship. And that's hard to work out from inside a relationship. Now that I'm single, without any magnetic pulls on my emotional compass, as it were, I can work out which way is north and where I want to go.

So even if I'm miserable, it's a good feeling. I'm changing, and I'm going to know very soon what I want and need. I have a strong suspicion that it'll turn out to have been J. And that's okay. There might be a chance of us getting back together, or there may not. She may be quite happy with someone else. That hurts, but I'll find someone. That's what dating's for...figuring out what you want in a relationship and what you don't want. So maybe I'll date a little, and maybe eventually I'll find someone.

But at any rate, whether it's with J. or with someone I can't conceive of yet, I'm not dicking around with my next relationship. I'm changing/changed for the better. I'm going to do everything to make it work until one or both of us dies. And I'm not going to give up just because of the Atlantic Ocean.