Curse you, Jim Davis!

There was a time, long ago, before the transformation of his hind legs into troublingly humanoid appendages, when Garfield was funny.

In my fourth grade classroom, the collected Garfield comic strip paperbacks were banned from our quiet reading time because we, the Garfield faithful, could not control our guffaws. The cat -- get this! -- eats lasagna! Can't get enough of it! He's smarter than his owner! And oh, the amusing and neverending torment of Odie. My sides ached with laughter. Okay, so it wasn't really funny, but in my defense, I was nine years old. And at least the strips had jokes back then.

This is what passes for humor in a Garfield strip now:







What the hell is that? I've been staring at it for several minutes now. Minutes I'm never getting back. Can anyone tell me why this is amusing? I suppose there's a possibility that it has morphed into one of those serialized dramatic comic strips like "Pedrick Wayside, Private Eye," or "Mark Trail," but if so, then I'm puzzled as to what the larger narrative could entail. Maybe the humor comes from the characters' teeth changing from rounded nubs in the first panel to squares. I don't know. Any thoughts?

I'm confused and not a little frightened.

There are some seriously Loco Parentis out there

There'll be personal news updates shortly, but you have to see this. I have never received an e-mail about a student like this and I'm seething with rage and sympathy for my poor student. This student, by the way, is a sweet, chipper, ridiculously enthusiastic student, smarter than she thinks and hardworking to the point of drafting a four-page paper five times. Here is what her loving papa writes:

Dear Professor Sapientis,

I am writing to ask you about the progress of my daughter, V.W. in your Literature & Composition class that meets on mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays. You may check with the office if you desire, but I do have a waiver on file, signed by V, stating that you are able to discuss and send her grades to my wife and me.

Usually we would have e-mailed you at the beginning of the semester, instead of waiting until mid-term, but things have been so hectic with us working two jobs each in order to pay for her college, that we simply have not had the time to do so.

We are very involved parents, as I am sure V's previous teachers have already told you if you had the opportunity to talk to them, and try to stay on her in order to ensure she is putting forth her best effort. Being a teacher myself, I know how important it is to have parent involvement, even at a college level. Unfortunately, we have discovered that while she is a delightful young lady, V is also manipulative and lazy if not corrected (emphasis mine). She tends to do very well in class discussions, but not well on tests due to poor study habits. It is not that she can not do the work, but that she would rather have others do it for her if allowed. She has to be checked up on constantly to make sure she is concentrating on grades, and not getting too involved in social activities and too many clubs.

Please e-mail either myself or my wife to let us know how V is doing. We want to be sure she is not skipping classes nor receiving anything less than a "C" average ("B" would be better).

Please also feel free to send us a quick e-mail at any time in the future if you see any patterns emerging, or if you have any concerns. We are always available, and I will be glad to drive up to meet with you if you so desire. I did it several times last semester at the request of professors.

Sincerely,

R.W.

I have never felt so sorry for one of my students before. I wonder if she knows her father writes her professors to tell them she is lazy and manipulative. I certainly hope they live very far away and don't drive around checking up on her all her life. Can anyone give me some advice? I want to put her into the Witness Protection Program or something to get her away from this paranoid fascist arsewipe forever.

Re-aliasing

Since my previous blog alias for the new institution of higher learning was unwieldy, I have decided to rechristen it after the geometric characteristics of what my friend Sarah somwhat unprecisely refers to as "the Big Square States" of the central and mountain time zones. It shall hereafter be know in these pages as Quadrilateral State University, or QSU. Thank you for your support.

The real reason the new job is so cool

I will be living next year in the home of the WORLD'S LARGEST FREE-STANDING NEON CLOWN.